The iHypocrite iPod
7/15/2005Every imposter of compassion deserves their own iPod. Now you can get one too, and be just like them.
Following up on the cross-branding success of the U2 iPod, Apple today announced the first issues in an entire series of iHypocrite iPods.
The U2 iPod has been renamed the iBono iHypocrite iPod. Bono is famous for his work on behalf of poor nations, but has clandestinely opened shop as a venture capitalist. (What this writer usually refers to as a vulture capitalist.)
Yes, while raising money for the working poor and playing sold out rock shows, he is trying to use his ill-gotten millions from the record machine to enslave to debt newcomers in the entertainment industry via Elevation Partners. Among his buddies at the firm is former Apple CFO Fred Anderson.
Like a double density disk drive, Bono is also suing his former hairstylist over his hat! Yes, the guy who has the balls to sell $30 t-shirts, and is telling the world to forgive billions of dollars in debt, is NOT willing to forgive the person who pampers his manly mane. Marie Antoinette was so outraged by the alleged theft that she dropped her cake and France invaded Algeria.
Bono's fans were so pained with compassion by his hat struggle that he was given a Lifetime Achievement award and they promised to purchase one million more of his sound-all-the-same compositions to make him feel better.
Lemmings are the target market for the entire new iHypocrite line, and the new iBono model features an engraved hat along with his signature. Sales are already brisk at the Amnesty International gala ball, an organization founded by lawyers trying to free heads from unjust imprisonment and torture, committed by people who sometimes wear hats.
Another in the series is the iYoko iHypocrite iPod. Yoko has been performing her Cut Piece ritual where she stands on stage and the audience cuts off pieces of her clothing, as a demonstration against war. Despite performing this Christ-inspired "I am the bread of the new covenant" routine, she says she has no plans to be more famous than Jesus Christ. The iYoko comes preloaded with a permanent screech which cannot be deleted. Rumors are that it is performed by Yoko herself, but others are sure it is the sound of fingernails on a blackboard. Others wonder if it is just Hell calling on the long rumored Apple iPhone.
Yoko recently made the news when she called a couple of lemmings staging a sleep-in for world peace. This was reminiscent of her protests with her husband John. (Imitation is always the sincerest form of flattery.) While she favors staying in bed and/or going naked for peace, Yoko's lawyers needed an early wake-up call to be dressed and ready for a day in court. It was a decision to sue (much like Bono) that got her on the A-List for iHypocrite. It seems that the modest Sir Paul McCartney and the other cohorts at Apple Corps Ltd have found the need to to sue Apple Computer for sharing a bite of the same word. Evidently this imaginative firm founded by professional musicians preaching love think that people listening to music is a bad thing, and they want it stopped.
Charles Manson was considered for the iHypocrite brand, too, but it was discovered that he actually lives the lifestyle he preaches. However, given the popularity of such groups as Marilyn Manson, the record industry is said to be advocating an iPod-mini version for more recording artists. They see it as a new venue for selling their re-re-re-regurgitated collections. They have threatened to pull their support from the iTunes catalog if their demands for more artist profiles are not addressed. Steve Jobs was so upset at this threat that his almost crashed his jet.
The third and final iHypocrite iPod released at this time is the iBill Gates iPod. Gates is on record as saying he doesn't want to own an iPod, but Steve Jobs really really really wants this commercial endorsement from his industry big brother. A doctored image of Bill with an iPod is not the same as the real Bill really holding one.
Bill is a highly qualified candidate for an iHypocrite iPod. After using a bevy of lawyers to browbeat the federal government into submission, along with developers, hardware manufacturers, schools, small businesses, lawyers and state attorney generals everywhere, Bill reveals that he has a heart and has started a 501c3 non-profit. Of course, it actually turned a tax-free profit last year, and he still continues to fight any form of sharing in the marketplace. Like previous Kings and current Presidents, he feels it is his role to decide who should suffer and how much as a method of allegedly helping those who suffer more. He thinks he suffers tremendously with the responsibility of being an underdog at the top. Poor thing, he now has two piles of cash that he must count. His loyal assistant Cratchett will never get any time home alone with Tiny Tim. Since Bill has no musical talent, the iBill comes pre-recorded with a voice audio file of his counting his money. It is rumored to be an infinite loop, or at least the largest number in the known universe.
The common theme in this group is fame, fortune, lawyers and hypocrisy. Internally this project was code-named Shyster, in honor of the legal profession that enslaves the world. As is typical, the lawyers get the blame (or in this case, the credit) for doing the bidding of the pompus and petty rich and famous. All iHypocrite iPods are colored two-tone with a color contrasting blood red click-wheel and brown body. The clickwheel symbolizes the ritualistic mixing of two thumbs' blood. It was not known if the body color was because these people are full of brown, or if it was because brown was the only open-source color still available after the passage of the Sharing Intellectual Property is a Capital Offense law.
Readers will please note that this iPod review was not released for the benefit of these three imposters of compassion, who will never read these words. Please do not contact the writer in defense of your super-hero. Rather, it was written for the lemmings who follow their antics without a critical eye, and mimic them and honor them with pledges of money and words of adulation. Staying in bed or going to a rock concert is not going to change the world. It does not matter which side of the stage you are on.
John Lennon once asked for someone to give him the truth. With the new iHypocrite iPod line, users will now be able to turn over the iPod and gaze into its mirror finish. In the mirror lies the truth. Don't be a lemming, and don't fall in love with your own reflection, either.